Pangarap pa rin

Joy joy joy joy! Parang ang dali lang maging masaya noon. Ang yabang yabang ko pa, meron pa akong nalalaman na "Happines is a choice." Pero ngayong nagta-trabaho na ako ng 3 taon, nakalimutan ko na kung panong maging maligaya ng basta-basta. Hindi na kagaya noon na gigising lang ako sa umaga at ang maiisip ko ay "Ang sarap-sarap mabuhay." Ngayon, sa pag-gising ko, bubuka ang aking mga mata, titingnan ang dilim ng aking kwarto, papakiramdaman ang init ng mundong ibabaw, at pipikit muli.

Ganun ba talaga yun kapag tumamatanda? Siguro. Naisip ko din dahil meron na akong trabaho at salapi, mas matindi na ako mag-ambisyon ngayon. Umaasa na akong magka-kotse na pula, magtayo ng bahay sa may SLEX, makabili ng condominium sa Makati. Noon, mabili ko lang yung napaka-gandang pantalon, makakain lang ako ng sapat, makanood ng magandang sine, sulit na ang buhay ko. Pero dahil 25 na ako, kelangan nang maglevel-up ang naipupundar. Sa edad kong ito, dapat yung mga pangarap ko nang pagkabata tinutupad ko na.

At ano nga ba yung mga pangarap ko ng pagkabata? Madami. Ang dali talaga mangarap, at ang dali maging masaya dahil alam mo lang na yung mga pangarap mo matutupad din balang araw. Puwes, dumating na ang araw na iyon. At sa pag-sikat niya, ang mga pangarap ay pangarap pa rin.

Hindi naman ito kasalanan. Mahaba pa ang buhay, bata pa naman ako, sariwa pa naman siguro. Pero nakaka-pressure na. Kelangan na ng direksyon, ng patutunguhan. Hindi na pwede yung basta-bastang pag-gawa ng mga araw-araw na responsibilidad. Kelangan nang mag-isip ng "long-term", mag-isip ng seryoso.

Nakakatawa, pero yung mga laos na tanong noong highschool guidance class, yung mga "Where do you see yourself 5, 10, 20 years from now?", tinatanong ko na uli sa sarili ko. At mas lalo pa, inaalala ko kung ano yung mga sagot ko noon. Sabi ko, kapag 25 na ako, dapat lawyer na akong pasado sa bar, kumikita ng 50k at ang kalahati nun ay iniipon para makapag-milyon pagdating ng 30. At dapat nabili ko na yung buong Harry Potter na series, dapat hard-bound.

Yung Harry Potter ayos na, pero yung lawyer ay matagal ko nang ipinagpaliban. Sa suweldo, malapit na din; pero ang ipon, huwag na natin itanong. So medyo ok pa ako, medyo "on-track" kung ganun ang usapan. Pero kahit dito pa lang, kahit wala pa sa totoong ginugusto ko, ang hirap na pala makarating dito. Masaklap pa, kahit nakarating nga ako, parang kulang na kulang pa din.

Ramdam ko na ang ikli ng buhay at ang pagod na kasabay ng pagtahak ng mga landas nito. Ang dali noon ituro at pagnasahan ang mga destinasyong nakakalat at nangaakit. Sa aking pagtanda, hindi na lamang ang malayong kislap ng patutunguhan ang nakikita ko, kita ko na din ang mabato at masukal na daan patungo. Kung iisa lang ang pwede kung marating, kung isa lang ang maaari kong makamit sa buhay ko, ano yun? Nasaan yun? May panahon pa ba?

*photo credit from Palipasan which, in a sudden spate of irony, is a post about never giving up on hope.

Japanese Separation Anxiety

I haven't done anything Japanese in 3 months. A long time for someone who's worked at a Japanese company for 3 years, geeked-out on Japanese anime in school, and dreamed of living in Japan one day. The new job doesn't have Japanese bosses, Japanese classes, Japanese documents, Japanese emails, nor Japanese firewall warnings(they block a lot of sites there) and the culture is radically different. The freedom is shocking. I kinda knew all this beforehand, and 3 months in, I all but confirmed my predictions. But I never would have predicted I'd change along the way, too.

I thought it was a caffeine thing, so I drank more coffee. Then I thought it was an exercise thing, so I gym-ed a little more. Then I thought it was a work thing, so I put more heart and time into my job.

But whatever I did, I just felt sadder. I still accomplished things, but it all felt like goals outside of myself. I spent a lot of effort, and still I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. I got even more dejected, and then just focused on work instead. Started to feel numb and thought this is what working in Makati is like. The hurrying pedestrians, the constant roar of traffic, the cold, sterile offices. This is business, after all.

But this weekend, I got a Sunday all to myself, and decided to clean out my pc clutter. Sifting through old pictures, installers, and porn, I found I had a copy of Nodame Cantabile. I indulged and watched it.

And BAM! It was a one-two punch: it was Japanese AND it was about music. I remembered how I love watching an anime begin. The anticipation and the excitement is overwhelming as the intro music roars the typical happy Japanese gibberish. As a kid, I jump around, ecstatic. I remembered how wonderful it felt to play in an ensemble. The music envelops you and somehow, among all those instruments playing their own tunes, you find your spot in the melody and play your own, leave an impression, and complement the whole, become a part of a living thing that resides in everyone who listens.

I'm back again, I'd say. 3 months into the new job, I've come full-circle back to the awkwardness of growing, the innocence of budding dreams, and the rush of finding my own way in the world. I said once the new job feels a lot like high school, I didn't know my metaphor was so truly spot-on.

I Live in a House with No Vases

I brought my mom flowers one day, a stalk of linen-white oriental lilies. They have yet to to bloom though, still encased in their green sheaths. The florist assured me though that they'd bloom in time for Valentines.

So I headed home quickly and thought to present these blossoms well. I sought for a vase, something slender to compliment the stalk. Something plain and without hue, so the white of the lilies could stand out.

After a long search, I salvaged a vase shaped like a woman and her hair, also green, bending over. It was very art deco and it had a hole which made it a vase somehow. I placed my one stalk inside and it looked a bit awkward, the lilies jutting out at a sharp angle to accommodate the curved posture of the green artsy lady.

In the afternoon light, I stared at my attempt at being emotional and thought this is how it is in this house.

In the earlier days, my mom and dad have made it a point to always stick to essentials, and have cultivated a culture of scarcity. My parents reinforced this by placating my childish wants for shiny new things with tenets like, "Not for now dear, we're a little short," "We don't need that right now," and the ever popular, "When it's your birthday or Christmas, I promise we''ll get it for you."

In time, I've learned to rely on myself for my own needs and wants. My parents provided everything I needed in school like books and pens and notebooks, new ones every school year. And I enjoyed these times because I could pick and because I didn't have to feel guilty since there was a set budget. But for impromptu necessary expenditures like field trips and projects, I drew from my own purse. In my youth, I dealt with absolutes and only now have I realized I could have still asked these things of them, that they could afford it and would probably condone--and eventually did in later years.

But it stuck, and I always made it a point to be independent of my parents, especially financially, in all things. For frivolous things, like designer perfume or sweet flowers, I've only lately learned to indulge in those and I have my friends to thank for that.

But in this moment, I've come full circle. I have fresh flowers in a house that have never known any. The only fresh blossoms to ever step inside are the sampaguitas my parents buy off the street kids. Here, today, I am confronted by the humility my parents brought me up with and the resulting growth in my character.

The improvised vase was leaky. The green lady was old and it was never meant to hold water--we've had her since we moved in 15 years ago--so we placed the lilies in a large clear water-glass. My mom found them in the morning and--though they were unnecessary, do not contribute to paying any bills, nor fulfilling any pending needs--they bloomed, and they bloomed beautifully.

My mom was happy that Valentines.