»» i'm... bitter?!?

sigh, another day passes by, and still i feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile.

it's just that these days it all seems so pointless, dressin' up, goin' to class, gettin' along with everybody's shit, pointless, not to mention tiring. i just have no idea what keeps me going these days. the sense of responsibility i guess, that or the fact that i haven't got anything better to do.

it all just feel so lame. i don't know why. maybe i've turned bitter without me knowing it, or always have been bitter, realistic to the point of pessimism. funny, i always thought i was the dude who always found the silver lining for some people, always replying to sadness with casual "it ain't so bad"'s and "at least..."'s, but now, thinkin' how sad the whole concept of life is, it sort of feels easier, almost right, being bitter i mean.

looking at that, maybe the only reason i go optimistic is because i can't deal with sadness, especially those that aren't mine to begin with. so, instead of giving my most honest opinion and advice, i step back, give it all a good look-see, and tell you the practical, sensible and OBVIOUS thing to do or sometimes, not to do.

i remember now, when i was a kid(real young, mind you), someone close to me almost committed suicide. we talked though so thankfully, it didn't pull through. but it all involved tears and awkwardness, i didn't like it at all.

i just thought what's the sense of someone crying? why cry when you can fix things? instead of boohoo's you could be doing yourself a favor and getting it all over with.

i just can't deal with emotional people!

but that isn't true either, for one, i can imagine lending a crying shoulder to that special someone i'll eventually meet. i guess, i'm only sincerely supportive and thoughtful to people who i can be romantically acquainted with. for everyone else, indifference is the word.

i don't love people easily, i guess.

and because of this, whenever i do fall in love with someone, i overflow with excess care and shit. wow, talk about unconventional. hm-mm, never knew i was emotionally scarred.

sigh... well, will it be bitter or some other emotion i'll use to deal with heck? i don't know. or more honestly, i probably don't care.

»» i still like breasts...

awhile ago, while chewing on the original recipe chicken breasts my thoughtful parents brought home last night, i found myself... not thinking about anything.

which was funny, because on more than one occasion, i unexpectedly found myself considering the most dull of items in actual serious thought(i'd post the link, but i dont know how... weep for the n00b!).

so, here i am, dipping chicken into gravy, wondering why the hell not?

it's not like i was at a loss of words or don't have anything to talk about. i've got friends who could tell you about their socks and still make it sound interesting.

sigh, and then i thought, maybe something's changed.

considering this, i turned over in my head the "what's", "why's" and "how's" of the past few months and there i found my answer.

well, i was in love, which most of my close friends are probably tired of hearing(and are probably shouting in anguish as they read this... "not agai~n!!!"). and much to their relief, i WAS in love.

not anymore, no more sudden "high" while walking home, no more exciting shiver from the gentle smile "said person" throws your way. no more feeling that, although everything's probably going to turn out for the worse, it's gonna be ok, because you've still got "said person".

no more nonsense.

well, if it's such an awful lot of nonsense, why do i miss it so?

plus the fact that i've lost the trademark emotion i usually mix into the things i write. i guess not loving anything screws your perspective, or roughly shoves it back to what it was before you even fell in love.

falling in love, changes your view on things. makes you appreciate stuff more, makes you do things not for the sake of doing them, more of for a higher purpose, a nobler purpose. you do your work now, not for yourself, but for others. makes living a whole lot of more worthwhile.

well, that's what i think. hopeless? yes! but a thought nonetheless.