»» wahehehe.. the klutz that i am

just now, in my post-ransacked room, i realize how much of a klutz i really am.

tomorrow is enrollment and with the usual long lines, noisy crowds and stress, there's the issue of paperwork. well, i nearly ended up not having any, paperwork i mean, and god only knows what kind of hell i would have brought upon myself if i hadn't found this one page. sigh. funny, how something that can be so easily lost(thrown, eaten, burned, blown etc...) could be so important. stuff like these should have cases, chains, signs or something.

well, just like this piece of paper that holds so much importance to me, so have i lost my heart (eww.. i'll try to un-cheese this as much as possible).

i remember there was a point in time when i thought i was in love, i remember it was great, wonderful in fact. and i guess, i really was in love. it didn't work out though.

after that, there was this point of "what the hell happened?!?!", and i sorta stumbled through that. didn't do well for my grades though but i still managed. a great deal of thanks to great friends of course!

and now i find myself here... love-less still but i think a bit wiser. love, as it turned out, is very complicated. love could mean so many things to people. it could be solace or company or even pain.

but for me, love i think is a drive. its a drive to become something, i mean someone, better than yourself. its a choice to be bigger and more more open minded about what we do. its a change of perspective and priorities for sure, maybe a change for the better or for the worse, but a change based on what we currently think is what's right.

even though i feel no stirrings of the heart or what not, i miss it. and in missing it, i remember how it felt, this certain buzz that makes everything i do a little more "life-full". and here i am, i realize that maybe i don't have to love someone... maybe just being in love, doing things just because it makes me better for myself and for others, is just as good. you could say i'm falling in love with someone i haven't met yet.

he-he, you never know, maybe someday, all this pent up love of mine will be worth something to someone. until then, i guess looking for love is just the same as forcing it and love is certainly something you don't want to force.

yeah.. as it turns out, i found my heart again. i just would like to say sorry to a friend of mine. in that time when i was, hmm, for a lack of a better word, "heart-less", i hurt someones feelings. you see, i was beeing as honest as i can, but friends in need don't need honesty, they need help, a listening ear, a caring heart, a shoulder, etc. i wasn't that. i was confused and i said somethings i didn't mean and now, although me and my friend are still cool around each other.. there's this wall now. sigh...

i am klutz, in my things and in my life. people say though that realizing there's a problem is the first step to fixing it so i guess it ain't that bood. things are bount to look up.. hooray for me then!

»» wow, dream fever caching on...

i just read about daryl's recent dream, and funnily enough, strange dreams are a dime a dozen these days.

take mine for example. it all starts out with me in a sort of "omnipotent 3rd person, floating in the sky state". i hover over a seemingly old city, complete with patch-uped roofs and insanely twisted tv antennas and an orangy tinge to everything, as if there was a perpetual sunset over my eyes.

i hover closer and notice this tall, misshapen tv antenna that had some early 20's guys and girls hanging out in it. what are guys and girls doing on an antenna, you say? i dunno, they seem to be hanging out and enjoying the view.

you see, this, err, peculiar antenna looks as if it was smaller before, but with a number of "extensions" ranging from bamboo sticks to hangers to actual plastic chairs. it got so twisted, it turned into a sort of pseudo-tree-house, only plunged into a McFarlane comic book. well, u probably get the drift.

anyway! these guys and girls(who turn out to be hot in an asian sense) just sit on there varied position along the height of the obscenely shaped antenna and suddenly, it all comes crushing down.

next thing i knew, i was in this other place, with the guys and girls still, but now it was a sort of island getaway. we were in this large, mansions-like bamboo hut complete with drapery as doors and the gentle sea breeze as ventilation. each of us guys gets paired up with another girl and gets a room, but before anything gets interesting, i suddenly start walking out. along the way looking at the scantily clad guys resting on the beds awaiting their female, err, partners.

all i remember afterward was me going on a mission looking for something. i met some archaeologist along the way and it felt like we hunted something. it turned out fine and i headed back.

once back, i find outside the entrance to the hut one of the guys on the ground, pig-tied(still scantily clad X_X) and inside i see the supposedly quiet girls(for all its worth, this dream was very quiet, i don't know why but i never had noisy dreams... hm-mm) are now literally devouring another scantily clad pig-tied guy. devouring, as in eating him from the feet up. the sad part was this guy was still very much alive and screaming(oh... so much for quiet).

i untie the guy outside and tell him to run like hell away. i go inside and while the girls are busy chewing on a knee-bone or two, i untie the poor chewed up dude and wrestle him away.

we ran like hell, or maybe i ran like hell, seeing that my dude had no legs to run with. the girls where after us like a raving bunch of hell-bitches. through streams, bushes and finally up a mountain we went and when we got to the top, there i saw a sort of shining door that most obviously was the way out.

i found my earlier pig-tied guy there waiting, which was odd yet justified when i saw some sort of floating, clothe-full(yep, imagine a floating object which had cloth-like hangings all around to increase spookiness ten-fold) entity blocking the way to the exit.

then we died. all the while wondering what to do with this tissue laden being, the screaming hell-bitches caught up with us, chomped on some body part and ripped each of us apart. i had the grim recollection of my head laying on the ground as i stared at my body being chewed upon. what i could never forget was the teeth. oh god! those damned teeth!

wake up! realized i was late for my 10am com-sci21(java programming) laboratory exam. rushed to the bath, bathed, printed out necessary review materials and dashed out of the house and finally found myself here, in front of a computer. Having finished early due to me not being able to answer the last 30pt problem, i took a deep breath, opened mozilla(linux, spare the pity) and surfed, all the while my friends commenting on how well-versed, smart and quick i am. ergh...

»» i'm... bitter?!?

sigh, another day passes by, and still i feel like i haven't done anything worthwhile.

it's just that these days it all seems so pointless, dressin' up, goin' to class, gettin' along with everybody's shit, pointless, not to mention tiring. i just have no idea what keeps me going these days. the sense of responsibility i guess, that or the fact that i haven't got anything better to do.

it all just feel so lame. i don't know why. maybe i've turned bitter without me knowing it, or always have been bitter, realistic to the point of pessimism. funny, i always thought i was the dude who always found the silver lining for some people, always replying to sadness with casual "it ain't so bad"'s and "at least..."'s, but now, thinkin' how sad the whole concept of life is, it sort of feels easier, almost right, being bitter i mean.

looking at that, maybe the only reason i go optimistic is because i can't deal with sadness, especially those that aren't mine to begin with. so, instead of giving my most honest opinion and advice, i step back, give it all a good look-see, and tell you the practical, sensible and OBVIOUS thing to do or sometimes, not to do.

i remember now, when i was a kid(real young, mind you), someone close to me almost committed suicide. we talked though so thankfully, it didn't pull through. but it all involved tears and awkwardness, i didn't like it at all.

i just thought what's the sense of someone crying? why cry when you can fix things? instead of boohoo's you could be doing yourself a favor and getting it all over with.

i just can't deal with emotional people!

but that isn't true either, for one, i can imagine lending a crying shoulder to that special someone i'll eventually meet. i guess, i'm only sincerely supportive and thoughtful to people who i can be romantically acquainted with. for everyone else, indifference is the word.

i don't love people easily, i guess.

and because of this, whenever i do fall in love with someone, i overflow with excess care and shit. wow, talk about unconventional. hm-mm, never knew i was emotionally scarred.

sigh... well, will it be bitter or some other emotion i'll use to deal with heck? i don't know. or more honestly, i probably don't care.

»» i still like breasts...

awhile ago, while chewing on the original recipe chicken breasts my thoughtful parents brought home last night, i found myself... not thinking about anything.

which was funny, because on more than one occasion, i unexpectedly found myself considering the most dull of items in actual serious thought(i'd post the link, but i dont know how... weep for the n00b!).

so, here i am, dipping chicken into gravy, wondering why the hell not?

it's not like i was at a loss of words or don't have anything to talk about. i've got friends who could tell you about their socks and still make it sound interesting.

sigh, and then i thought, maybe something's changed.

considering this, i turned over in my head the "what's", "why's" and "how's" of the past few months and there i found my answer.

well, i was in love, which most of my close friends are probably tired of hearing(and are probably shouting in anguish as they read this... "not agai~n!!!"). and much to their relief, i WAS in love.

not anymore, no more sudden "high" while walking home, no more exciting shiver from the gentle smile "said person" throws your way. no more feeling that, although everything's probably going to turn out for the worse, it's gonna be ok, because you've still got "said person".

no more nonsense.

well, if it's such an awful lot of nonsense, why do i miss it so?

plus the fact that i've lost the trademark emotion i usually mix into the things i write. i guess not loving anything screws your perspective, or roughly shoves it back to what it was before you even fell in love.

falling in love, changes your view on things. makes you appreciate stuff more, makes you do things not for the sake of doing them, more of for a higher purpose, a nobler purpose. you do your work now, not for yourself, but for others. makes living a whole lot of more worthwhile.

well, that's what i think. hopeless? yes! but a thought nonetheless.