Friday, December 28, 2007

furlough

Today marks the first day in a long while since I've spent some quality time with the junk in my room. They've grown considerably since last we crossed broomsticks and clashed dust-bunnies and, between the allergic sniffles and sneezes, I can't help but get overcome with mixed emotions. I apparently have got mounds of stuff, which is actually quite nice, but I have to pose this question:

"What the heck do I do with all these boxes, twist-ties, warranties, manuals, peripherals, fliers, contact numbers and a lone package of pistachios?"

Before you answer that and while I casually sift through my unintended collection of capitalist debris, lemme run through the last few weeks, just for shits and giggles.

I hosted a party. Yes, yours truly got the nefarious chance to hog a live microphone and tell silly things to an audience of 70 all night long. It was at the formal company party held in one of Dusit Hotel's uber-slick ballrooms. That fateful night concluded my deliriously-long weeks of frenzied xmas chorale-ing, instantaneous movie shoot-ing, misplaced novelty dance-ing and the hyped-up -- but still pretty -- christmas party invitations make-ing.

It was, of course, fun and I walked away a learned man: additional audio editing skills, some photoshop kung-fu, impromptu hosting non-sense and, most importantly, learning the true meaning of busy. So busy, you don't-get-to-take-a-bath busy. So busy, I don't-remember-when-I-didn't-take-a-bath-but-thanks-for-asking busy.

I also sang a song. Along with all the christmas party preparations, I've been practicing my ass off --or more literally, my larynx off-- singing Mozart's sonorous rendition of Ave Maria. It was meant to be a solo piece but Tito Cesar cautiously shifted me to a duet with the talentedly-tantalizing Ms. Jean. This was after realizing my execution of this tenor piece's upper octave La was either un-masculinely weak or bestially bothering. In my attempt to reach the note with the proper fullness of tone, I keep bleating out like an angry, molested sheep.

We managed though, plenty of thankzies to Ms. Jean, and the solo-turned-duet played out without incident. And I got to play my sax for the married couple's first dance. Yey!

I welcomed my sister, too. She came back on the 23rd and she's slowly settling back to the humdrum glum of home life here on the Philippine Isles. As is customary with any Filipino family on any Filipino Holiday: a reunion, we went to. Between watching London get "Flood"-ed and the "Winter Sonata" guy calling down Byakko, Genbou and Seiryuu on TV, my sister took a lot of marriage-related heat from my relatives.

She's chipper now, and I wish her this christmas all the luck and support she needs... as well as a brand-spanking-new DVD player (with USB input)! Booyah! Now who's a good little-bro! Yeah!

By the way, I panicked over my PSP. My PSP-endowed friends would already know about this since my panic included calling each one of them (there's 3 of 'em) and telling them to calmly take-off the PSP crystal case and then burn it with the foulest flames in the deepest pits of goddamn hell. The gosh-darned-tootin thing that was meant to protect ended up strangling my precious instead. The select key got stuck select-ing and the little white lad's been in repair since wednesday hence. Pray for him; pray for my half-a-month's worth salary.

And oh yeah, I gave a kid a smile. Old high-school friends threw a christmas party for orphaned kids at an SOS center in Ayala. I hung-out with the cheeky young lad Gelo, balloon-whiz Ryan and lotsa other really, really excitable kids for two hours. Those two whole fun-filled hours left me with a vacant look and helplessly feeling old. This must be what being a parent feels like.

I enjoyed a wedding yesterday. It was my long-unseen 2nd cousin Paddie's day at the rustic church nestled deep in Guadalupe, and night at the historical Coconut Palace. The whole day was simply beautiful. The choir songs were beautiful, the sunset was beautiful, the guests were beautiful, and Lorrie was terribly beautiful. She bloomed and blossomed that night and though I didn't know her, I understand and shared her happiness. And Kurt Vonnegut (Baader Meinhoff!!) snuck into the event with his short story "A Long Walk to Forever" which is, unsurprisingly, beautiful as well.

Luckily, I met up with ol' buddies. Before the year ended, Mike rounded everyone up and got the ball rolling for another rollicking booze-fest down south. Everybody was there, although not necessarily at the same time (sorry, mish) and there were plenty of fond hello's and unexpected exchanging of trunks and trinkets. Macaroon's too! Indigestion not included!

It's been a whirlwind of a month. The length and breadth of this post pretty much proves that "there's no rest for the wicked" and though I'd rather not think of myself as "wicked", I'm just not as sure anymore.

Dad put me aside one time and told me that's just how it is: the business of growing-up is a juggling act. Learning to frolic with friends and family; to woe work and wackiness; and to hug health and happiness, that pretty much sums up the rest of adult life.

It's tiring, but whenever I manage to pull it off, the feeling of accomplishment is spectacular. Making the most of every moment, living each fleeting second as if it's my last, I owe it to all the decapitated, the paraplegics, the comatose and the debilitated to enjoy each and every lucid thought, savvy shuffle, synapse fire and unbounded freedom that life's got to offer.

And though I can't make junk juice out of all this junk life handed me, I think I'll manage. Dust-bunnies or no dust-bunnies.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

a family thing

I wanna write. I really do. And after watching a movie like "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", I can't help but think there really is a lot more to writing than I think I ever really, knowingly, and honestly can handle.

I put words to such shame, but actually it's mostly mine involuntarily imparted. Perhaps I try too hard to make it all out into some intelligible jumble of words that, with enough adjectives, might come off as sweet and romantic. But in the end, all I really end up is a long grieved sigh, hardly at par with anything salable off a bookshelf.

This is a writing fixation, if this urge of mine was a condition. This romance with words and phrases could simply be my prolonged attempt to find someone who understands. Someone silly enough to wade through all this syntax and plow through my metaphors. I may be the lexical equivalent of Rapunzel: my life as my tower and my words the trailing length of hair secretly calling for help.

It's a family thing. We never really say we love each other, though we do. It's a pretty disdainful habit we've acquired, to keep those 3 words in the same place we keep "Take care" and "Good luck". They've become trailing statements, open-ended sentiments that hardly deserve eye-contact or an emotional sparkle.

But we do tell each other we love each other. This strange familial wall of pride isn't as solid and cold as I'd like to embellish it. I noticed it at first whenever my parents took me to class. Whatever time or place my first schedule would be, as far as Quezon City or as early as a sunshine-free morning, they never said they couldn't. And if they did, it wasn't immediately. They'd meticulously check each and every possible plan to make it all work out. Make it all work out for me.

And I found it there. A hidden kind of love that throbs and warms up our home discreetly, like the safety net that was there all along, warm socks I've always taken for granted.

And they taught me that. To love a love so silent. To let my heart whisper to other hearts quietly, as I walk past you along the hallway, as I help you out with your code, as I invite you for a game of badminton.

And if you do find out, put them all together and learn what I've felt and I've waited for all along, that'd make it all the more special. Just like in the movies.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

to wear one's heart upon one's sleeve

Nakangiti na lamang akong naglalakad pauwi. Ni sumbat o salamat, tahimik na dumaan ang anino ko sa tapat ng mga tulog na bahay, sa ilalim ng nakabantay na langit. Konting yapak pa at makikita ko na ang bahay ko; konting tulak pa makakahiga na ko uli; konti na lang at "safe" na ko, iwas muna sa mga taya sa habulang-laro ng buhay.

Natikman ko ang totoong pagod nung huling linggo. Hindi ko namamalayan, naubos na lang yung siglang iniipon ko sa puso. Dahil na rin siguro sa kalayuan ng payday, pero alam ko na ang tunay na salarin ay ang akin ding maselang puso. Napisa sa walang-tigil na pangangamba sa darating na exam sa linggo.

Nung kinagabihan ng biyernes, nakapagpasya na kong umuwi na lamang pagsapit ng alas-singko upang ipagpahinga ang duguang utak. Alam kong nag-iimbita ang ate ko na makipagkita nung gabing din yun. Pero dahil halos alas-diyes pa siya matatapos, sa susunod na araw na lang kami magkikita: sa fort sa mas makataong oras na alas-dose ng hapon.

Tumawag si mum at pilit na binago nya ang isip ko. Mag-aral na lang daw ako sa isa sa maraming bakanteng upuan ng nasabugang glorietta. Napa-buntonghininga na lang ako at ibinulsa ang cellphone bago ko pa ito maibato.

Parang inaya mo yung lawyer mag-inuman bago mag-bar exam; parang nag-commercial si Kris Aquino sa Deal-Or-No-Deal; parang inaya mong mag-jogging yung may LBM.

Hinintay ko sila sa bakanteng activity center ng glorietta, hawak ang mabigat na libro at pumipikit-pikit sa pagod. Pero nung dumating si ate, Huwaw! parang kape lang! Na-miss pala kita, kahit hindi halata.

At nung linggo, pagkatapos nang exam, pauwi't naglalakad, naramdaman ko ang masiglang tibok ng magaan kong puso. Tumibok sya nung naalala kong magkasama tayong buong pamilya sa kotse. Kumpleto, kahit sandali.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

a pernicious need

One-sided though it may seem, giving is a gift in itself: a package (willingly) cherished by all parties involved. Perfect for the holiday season, dont'cha think?

It came up last night, while wistfully discussing love and life among friends and drinks. A friend of mine related his unconditional feelings for a certain other, and went on to say that he did everything for this someone, in spite of friendly warnings.

His confession met puzzled looks, and shortly plenty of admonishment. The consensus: there really is such a thing as giving too much, just like there really is such a thing as someone asking too much.

They were right. You ~can~ give too much, so much it hurts. But one thing about life is that the best things are never free. And, at the risk of sounding a wee bit masochistic, nothing makes you appreciate something more than hurting a little bit on the way there.

And, after all, isn't this the stuff of true romance? Of Romeo's death, of Mother Teresa's spirit, of Peter Petrelli's sacrifice? That pain, borne willingly -- isn't that the ultimate proof of love?

My take is simple. Once I find that special someone, I'll give it my all.

So that at the end of a long day, in bed wearily resting the aches and pains of a hard day's work, I'll close my eyes and find myself secretly smiling in the few moments before my dreams take me. A smile borne by the thought that beside me is the reason for all my tireless persistence. In this person lies the reason I live, and I'm the luckiest man on earth for it.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

prodigal

Bits of me are falling through the cracks, and though I have the power to bring what was lost back, I hardly have the will. It's turned into a habit, this sickness of mine, to forget myself.

It's been a very productive few weeks, every hour spent doing something or other justifiable goal diligently and with much gusto. The taste of success is neither sweet nor bitter though, but a strange gray smear of bland on my weary tongue. It's like I've walked for miles only to find I'm back where I started.

Nothing has changed...

... except I've lost along that circuitous way some of the things I've held dear: my friends, my identity, my life.

But this is what I wanted. These are my dreams I'm chasing. This is my conscious choice. This is my heart breaking, with compromise nowhere in sight.

I feel like the butt of college's most prejudiced and hurtfully-accurate remarks: "Antaas ng grades nya, siguro loner yan."

And the worst of it is there's no spinning this into some insightfully positive advise. I guess optimism fell through the cracks, too.

Monday, August 13, 2007

brazen and free

If I was a god -- or, since I'm catholic, a saint -- of something, I'd always hoped to be the one to represent the oh-so-common tune-humming pedestrian. There's a certain inexplicable charm in their carefree grin and beat-driven footwork that snags at my normally-apathetic heart.

And so she, a strange headphone-toting muse, represents this awkward joy of mine, in a makeshift altar to all things brazen and free.

And oh yeah, 1000 main-page hits. Booyah!

brazen and free

If I was a god -- or, since I'm catholic, a saint -- of something, I'd always hoped to be the one to represent the oh-so-common tune-humming pedestrian. There's a certain inexplicable charm in their carefree grin and beat-driven footwork that snags at my normally-apathetic heart.

And so she, a strange headphone-toting muse, represents this awkward joy of mine, in a makeshift altar to all things brazen and free.

And oh yeah, 1000 main-page hits. Booyah!

Monday, August 6, 2007

dreaming of electric hitsuji

It's a common enough illness of mine to dream in my sleep what I dream about awake; taunting myself. On a nightly basis, my pillows unwittingly get acquainted with my darkest, most desparate desires. I'm actually quite glad my bedding isn't the type to gossip.

And it's only fair, merciful even, that with every dream comes a swift forgetting. Only small snippets manage to escape my un-consciousness to join me in the waking world. However, these small wounds are painful and remind me of my loss, however imaginary, constantly.

So it's quite unnerving to be confronted by my dreams outside the 4 corners of my bed. Whenever I get close to my desires, I lose all sense and the customary disbelief kicks in automatically. It sickens the hell out of me that whenever this happens, I always start yapping about all-sorta-stuff that sound a lot like false-modesty.

It all started one not-so-special afternoon, just about before the time I wait beside the time-puncher-thingie until 5pm. My boss approached us, in his slow, deliberate shamble and confronted us with his usual thoughtful expression. Not the type to beat around the bush, he off-handedly started asking the 4 of us which have passports.

My heartbeat quickened, and, with every negative answer from my fellows, it shot up a little more. In the end, 2 of us have passports, but since my friend wasn't officialy part of the team yet, our boss told me that it might be me who was up for a business trip to Japan sometime soon.

There it is. The primary reason for all the hours I've toiled, underneath their cheerless flourescent lights and inside their cold cubicle walls, was here.

And somewhere between the sound of my boss' footsteps walking away, the congratulatory remarks and the quaking of my heart, all I could say was: "Whoa. Malabo pa naman yun e."

Deny. Deny. Deny. I guess I was ashamed and quite shocked at how much I wanted it. When my passport-bearing friend asked me if wanted to go, I answered with a resounding "Hell, yeah!" Then, upon realizing my brazen mistake, I quickly placated the situation by telling him he's got as much a chance at it as I do.

All I'm trying to say is: I don't want to count on it. Until I set foot on Japanese soil, I'll be defeatist, waiting for the sound of the alarm clock to take me back to the real world. That same treacherous clock that usualy goes off the moment I stumble and begin to believe.

Monday, July 9, 2007

out with the old

... "and in with the new" ika nga nila. Kung sinuman yung pasimuno nito, dapat sapakin sa mukha.

Andali lang kasi sabihing oras na para sa pagbabago, itapon ang luma at mag-SM ng brand new. Andali mag-'simplify' at maging 'objective', magbabato ng quote sa mga taong problemado.

Hay, kung ganun nga lang sana kasimple. Kaso nga lang, kampyon ang buhay sa pag-papakulo ng kung anu-anung kababalaghan.

Kapag kasi nagka-tinginan kayo ng pagbabago, hindi lang naman kahapon ang binabasura mo. Pati na rin yung mga ala-ala pinaghirapan mo ipunin, nabubura na lang din.

At yun yung masakit. Kaya siguro nung una kong nakita yung salitang 'nostalgia', parang malungkot na sakit na walang ginhawa kelanman. Haha, siguro ganun nga talaga yun.

Kaya hayun, paalam ate lita at sa beinte-dos na taong naging parte ka ng buhay namin. Ituturo ko din sa iba yung tinuro mo sa akin, yung magsakripisyo lang basta ba ikaliligaya ng lahat.

Hay, dapat kasi siguro: "Out with the old, in with the new... and hope to God you're heart doesn't get in the way."

Kung hinde lang kasi sana tayo mga puno ng saging, aanhin pa ang puso kung kirot lang naman ang naidulot nito. Pero syempre, ibang topic na yan. Yung tipong pinaguusapan kapag 'inebriated' at malapit na sa Valentine's day.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

what i owed the sampaguita girl

She ambushed me. With her innocent eyes, she halted any thought of walking away from the ATM I just withdrew from. Feet placed squarely on the ground, her arm shot forward accusingly and fragile blossoms bobbed in the wind. She murmured something, but all I heard was the guilty thump of my heart and the incriminating rasp of the transaction slip I held in my hand.

The ATM laconically indicated in my receipt that I was a few hundred pesos away from flat-broke. When I read it, brief thoughts of shirts and shoes and pandas and paperbacks came to mind, along with that warm, giddy post-purchase feeling. An all-too-addictive feeling, I guiltily associate it with the reassuring weight of a hefty paper bag in hand and capitalism (partially) conquered.

It felt like I was making some headway in life, slowly purchasing the bits and pieces of my dreams. I was my own man, a functional member of society, a positive statistic foreign investors would read and smile about. Just a little more time, a bit more effort and a hefty ounce of optimism and I could be anyone I want to be.

It shocks me how truly potent our youth is. At odd moments, this insight burgeons in my head, waking me up and overwhelming me. We've got so much potential, so much time to do anything with, and it's scary and thrilling to have this knowledge.

Right here. Right now. The world is yours and mine to take.

I stood there, giddy with the surging power of my dreams, and pulled out some cash. Hoping to make a dent in the debt of happiness I owed the world, I told the girl to take the bill and keep the flowers.

She smiled, shrugged and proceeded with our transaction all the same. Having given back some of the happiness I owed the world, I walked away with a receipt of sampaguitas.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

downgrading

I'd like to take this moment to notify everyone of my old, black, 17-inch monitor's sudden retirement. He's been acting up these last few days and I was hoping he'd at least make it 'til the newer breed of LCDs got here. He had other ideas though so yesterday, his eyes rolled up at me and inadvertently corrupted the lower half of the monitor screen.

I then spent that supposedly relaxing afternoon wrestling with the video card settings. After a few clicks in the little unadulterated visible space left and a couple of reboots, I closed up shop and left for choir exasperated. I pulled out his power cord this morning and officially gave up.

His much older white (now off-yellow), 15-inch, not-flat-screen cousin took up his stead here in front of me and, although slightly blurry, is holding up pretty well.

With this, I'd like to apologize. To all of you readers (which is an over-dramatization since there's probably just a couple of you), I apologize for the insufferably tiny font.

That being said, let this be a hint for change. Larger monitors and higher resolutions are an experience in themselves, especially if you're the type to regret watching a movie on tv instead of in theaters.

Then again, this tiny, albino monitor of mine, sitting beside the gleaming, black CPU and peripherals, has a strange charm about him. Subtly steampunk, I think I'll replace my infra-red mouse with an Atari joystick next. Rapidfire, woot!

Monday, June 11, 2007

this is me, disconnected

One weekday evening, definitely not unlike any other weekday evening you've ever had, it was decreed that the life of an unassuming kid be sliced cleanly in two. No warning. No apologies. A computer in the night hummed and burped an irritated beep. The LAN card shortly followed.

This kid, he wasn't much of a complainer though, and for two weeks he shuffled along in his worn-out knickers living out a sort-of half-life. Temporary atoms and energy, emotions and memory, strewn together by a seemingly aleatory plea to carry... on. He had no days, only cycles of comedies he was compelled to (and could only) watch: his office monitor one moment, the empty bed on the next. Who knew being so efficient meant being so lonely too?

Respite. The keys feel good beneath my fingers. She, May, my reinstated, rehabilitated CPU, hums an agreeable tune to the click-clack of thoughts on the keyboard. She sends out this message of mine to my other half.

You, the piece that completes me, where have you been? I have missed you. Terribly so.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

your first salary is a magical thing.

Tradition (supposedly) sez' to buy something special with your first paycheck: some lasting reminder of that transition from penniless to professional. Fearing for my juju, I went out of my way to visit Hobbes in GB3 hoping to score me some odd memento of my first paycheck.

A few steps past the strange pet-stuff Hobbes seems to have started selling, on the second shelf with his date ball cousins, there he rested: an old box faded by the countless hands of the curious. He was the last of his ebony brothers here, seemingly awaiting my purchase all along. I took that as a sign and promptly got my receipt.

Mr. 8-ball is open for business, 24-hours a day, 7 days a week (and yeah, we don't have locks installed). He's very much able to predict possibilities
and very much willing to make ya' flinch at the future.

The little bastard doesn't seem to like me much though. Once while discussing better code implementation with a colleague, I sought Mr. High-and-Mighty-8-Ball for affirmation: "Ganun nga yun! Tara, let's ask the magic 8 ball."

He bit the hands that fed (read: bought) him and swirled up his answer: "Outlook not so good."

Waw. Attitude problem and awkward phrasing. If he doesn't turn a new leaf soon, I predict myself writing about Mr. Tragic-8-Ball. All signs point to yes!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

sanguine

Siguro, kung si God ay frugal, natuwa na yun sakin. Sulit-na-sulit yung buhay ko nitong nakaraang linggo, kada-minutong lumipas ay mas matimbang pa sa mga taon pang nakaraan.

Simulan natin sa sabado, nagpaka-egoy sa company outing sa Batangas. Sa iisang araw na yun, nakatakas ang inner-taong-gubat sa pag-snorkeling at jungle hopping. Sabay balik sa civilization at humabol pa sa choir nung gabi, sunburn and all.


Sarap pa nang tulog pagkatapos. Tipong tulog ng pagod at yung mga ala-ala ng mga kaibigan at saya yung naghahatid sa panaginip.

Nung linggo naman, nag-outoftheblue-lakwatsa with tito Cesar sa Sucat (at naka-buena mano siya ng 5k, haha) at nagpakabait akong anak at nanlibre ng magulang sa Mother's day (pero gabi na talaga). Kumain kami sa Conti's in spite of the post-mass horde. Minsan lang daw kasi ako manlibre kaya kahit umagahin kami, ayos lang daw, haha. Nahiya pa nga parents ko... ayaw mag-dessert!

Natapos yung linggong yun sa bahay ni Ralph, nanonood ng 'The Virgin Suicides'. Waw.... emotional rollercoaster! WOOT!

Come monday, went with Ralph para mag-pagupit (coz it's safer in groups) at tumambay at nagkuwentuhan maghapon sa kanila (yung aircon nila yung deciding factor). Nanood naman ng 'The Family Stone' (dahil nde na namin alam ang bibilhin sa ruins) at kaya pala ganun yung title kasi pangalan ng pamilya 'Stone', nde dahil meron silang tinatagong bato. Haha. Parang ako lang ata nde nakaintindi.

Tuesday ayos lang talaga na normal na araw, kaso yung pekeng normal pala yun. Trabaho sa umaga, glorietta sa gabi. Nadurog sa tekken uli (pero ayos lang dahil defeat is a learning process, pero I hate you pa rin, Lily). Nung gabi na, nalaman ko na lang na nasa ospital si mom. Rush ako to Makati Med to discover na na-high-blood pala si mom (dapat siguro nde tsokolate yung mother's day gift) at nag-bantay ako for that night.

Next day, (dot dot dot) dash-dash-dash (dot dot dot) to work galing ospital kahit mapungay pa ang mga mata at nag-prepare ng report on Linux Bash na tipong "Waw! Hindi ko na maalala to a!" at "Lagot ako!" Pero nung gabi nainis ako (pero ngayon natatawa) dahil sa sooper suwabe moves ni itay. Nung gabing yun sa ospital: "Anak, anung dadalhin kong damit sayo bukas. Text mo na lang."

Implied na daw e: mas kasya siguro ako sa bench sa tabi ng bed ng mom ko.

Okay lang naman sakin magbantay. Pero yung dad ko parang nde naman laging may ginagawa kapag hapon, ako naman may work (at report) kaya sobrang nabanat yung oras ko. Haha, siguro kung nag-alok lang yung dad ko magbantay. Kahit pabulong lang. Hindi ko lang talaga trip yung napapagawa ako ng bagay dahil wala akong choice (at mas lalo pa kung meron naman talagang better options).

Hangang Friday yun. Work. Hospital. Repeat. Pero ayos lang, basta ba para kay inay.

Nung friday, nakipag-gimikan with office buddies sa g4 at nasubukan ang aking drum maniax skillz (or lack thereof). Umuwi na may 50% off Jipan bread sa tiyan, ayosh.

Yung saturday, nakapagmeet-up kay kumparing iwi before she did a John Denver. May konting brush with the authorities pero lahat ng kasalanan napapatawad sa saturday.

At finally, tinapos ang linggo with the highschool barkada:

Habang naglalakad sa daanang batong tinahak sa madilim na hardin ng 19East, nagkuwentuhan kaming dalawa at nakinig ang aming medyo tipsy-ng kaibigan:


"Ganyan pala malasing."

"Hinde ko rin talaga alam e, pero kung ako nalasing, natutulog na lang ako. At kung medyo matindi, nang-yayakap na."

"Haha! Ba't ka naman nang-yayakap?"

"Para maramdaman ng mga kaibigan ko na mahal ko sila."

... sige, tulog na to, mukhang kelangan na. Salamat sa saya at at tuwa! Later dayz!

Monday, April 23, 2007

furious first day

First day ko kanina sa NEC Telecom Software, Inc. and the only thing that comes to mind now is "Gusto ko na sumweldo!" and of course some stuff na nagulat na lang ko:
  • 2 hour net allowance (on the pc... without yahoo messenger... ... ?_?)
  • no headphones during work hours (on the pc... without music... ... ?_?)
  • no games (although pwede yung Microsoft Gaming Suite... big whoop...)
  • 4 personal items per work area (so dragon, poring and vietnam girl are comin' to work...)
  • no toys (what?!? so ano pang-decor ko? calendar?)
  • no sticking stuff to the cubicle walls (kakadownload ko lang nung bagong g-men calendars T_T)
... so there goes one of my many work-related fantasies: getting a cubicle with lotsa cool stuff na naka-patong. I appreciate minimalism, pero sobra naman ata yung 4 lang pwede ilagay sa table?!? Kelangan lang siguro dugasin to, naisip ko pa lang:
  • yung picture frame na maraming paglalagyan ng pichur (somethin' to smile about)
  • ring binding yung calendar (somethin' to keep ya goin')
  • something to fiddle with habang naglo-load yung pc (... ... puro toy naiisip ko, takte)
  • coaster para sa baso na sobrang astig... yung may built in na brick game... may ganun diba?
... medyo pilit, pero mukhang matagal naman ako mags-stay dito sa NEC kaya isip lang ng isip. Pero nalungkot talaga ako na walang tugtog habang nagtatrabaho. Nainis pa ko dun sa isang nag-orient samin, nagkwento nagdo-dota sila noon nang lunch. Parang nagkwento ka ng liempo sa gutom.

Basta kaya yan. Ayos naman ang aking colleagues. Nakaka-inlove nga e, haha.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

the week that was!

... more like: the week -- which felt like a year -- that still is. I feel like I'm everywhere again, another spree of city-hopping madness. It really has been a road-worthy week, let me count the ways:

Sunday, 22 years ago, I was born. And here, at the most un-aesthetic number between 20 and 30, I've decided to spend some quality time with the 'rents in the most traditional -- at least for my family -- way we know: window shopping. A whole day spent in SM MoA wasn't so bad, especially since my Mom kept s-mother-ing me with stuff. The count so far is 5 shirts, 1 pair o' gray pants and a swatch. I kept telling her the Euro trip 2 years ago was grad-gift enough for me, but when she offered to card the watch... corporeal temptation won out. I can't wait to max out my first credit card.

I've been hopping from train to fx to bus this last few days for job requirements, too. I've got this week to get everything (SSS, NBI clearance, police clearance, barangay clearance, cedula, etc) and so far all I've got are 2 claim slips and a poor excuse for a government document called a cedula. It's been fun though, meeting the system running the gears of the Philippines. My rendezvous with the powers that be wasn't all that glamorous though. It felt more like a long line to a vaccination: a terribly boring wait for something you're not sure you terribly want.

And as for graduation, that's next week: Tuesday. Weather forecasts include scattered thunderstorms and a whopping 91°F. I'm all smiles though since my professor mouthed the sweetest words ever to be mentioned on campus: cleared ka na. Informally, sure. But on paper, I've still got 5 signatures to go, 4 book-binds, 1 approved proposal and an installation CD to pursue before I can afford myself the luxury of "ctrl+del"-ing every file on my pc directly or indirectly connected with my Thesis. Gently caressing the rented toga outfit beside me keeps me sane though. Kinky.

Anyway, before the week ends, I hope to have organized some kind of party where we can all pig/booze/hang out. There's plenty of stuff to talk about, and zounds more to celebrate (read: get drunk) for.

To the unlimited potential of youth!
To tricky paths made smooth!
To never-ending opportunities!
To songs from the fifties!
To the Holograms and Jem!
La Vie Boheme!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

breaking & entering in 20 minutes

By 11:30, nagsimula na umalis ang parents ko. Unti-unting nilalagay sa innova lahat ng (relief goods) gamit, gulay, prutas, cake at kama para dalhin sa Tondo. Kasama ko ang Mum ko lumabas ng pintuan ng bahay at tinitignan muna namin yung pusa namin nagbeau-beautiful-eyes. Usap konti. Hinatid ko si Mum sa car at nagbiruan pa ng konti at nagbilin ng kung anu-ano. Lumabas ang car unti-unti sa araw at sinara ko ang gate ng garahe.

Tumayo muna ko doon, kumakaway habang unti-unting papalayo ang kotse nila. Tumalikod ako at bumalik sa pintuan. Pinihit ko ang knob. Hindi siya bumukas.

Puta.

Umiikot ako sa garahe at baka iniwan yung gate sa outdoor kitchen bukas. Malaki ang lock. Nakasara ang lock.

Puta.

Umiikot ako sa kanan ng bahay. May isa pang gate dun papunta sa backyard. May nakaharang na yero at mga lumang upuan doon sa tambayan ng mga aso. Meron ding malaking kandado doon.

Holy Shit!

Frantically, binuksan ko ang bintana malapit sa front door, nagkakalansing ang bakal ng blinds habang pilit kong inaabot ang knob sa kabilang side ng pintuan.

Lagot ako.

Si Mum kasi. Tulak ng habit, nasanay nang i-lock ang door paglabas. Kasabay ko pa siya palabas.

Lagot. Lagot. Lagot.

Tumayo muna ako dun at nagmuni-muni. Bumalik ako sa tambayan ng mga aso at inakyat ang puno doon. Kaso, hindi tipong balete yung puno, parang anahaw lang, kaya nde ko pa rin abot yung bubong. Sinundan ko na lang yung pader, ingat na umiiwas sa mga bubog, at ginawang hagdan ang gate na ayaw magpapasok sa akin kanina.

Mainit din pala sa bubong at parang masarap tumambay. Yung view nde ko nga lang na-enjoy dahil sa panic at kaba na mabutas ko yung nangangalawang na bakal na niyayapakan ko. Naglakad ako papunta sa water tank at nakitang magpapaka-cliffhanger jump ako dahil malayo. Pwede din ako tumalon sa bubong ng kapitbahay, wala naman kalawang.

Natakot ako, takte. May fear of heights ako at kung san-san na ko napupunta.

Buti na lang talaga dun sa isang tabi, nakita ko yung puno namin ng duhat at may gate sa tabi nun. Bumaba ako dun at tumalon sa backyard-tambakan ng bahay namin.

Oh please, Lord, sana bukas yung pintuan sa kitchen. Kundi, magbabasag ako ng bintana.

Sa mga ganitong panahon na wala ka nang magagawa kundi umasa, dapat mahinahon ka lang siguro. Pero LINTEK YAN tumakbo ako papunta dun sa pintuan; yung pusa tumakbo sa pagkabigla.

Nasalat ko ang bakal ng knob. Umikot ang kamao ko. ~Click~

Siguro kung observant ka, alam mo na kung anu ang nangyari. Mapapansin mo ang date at oras ng post na to or napansin mo na patapos na yung post dahil malapit na maubos ang scroll bar (at pwede mo ring interpret exactly yung title). Basta yung oras, yun yung saktong oras na nahawakan ko muli yung mouse ng PC. Syempre, naghugas muna ako ng kamay. Syempre, tinawagan ko muna si Mum para magmura sana... pero ginawa ko na lang missed call.

Syempre, back to "real" life na uli: sa thesis, graduation at work. Pero kung tutuusin... parang masarap rin pala mag-akyat bahay. Exciting. Parang life or death.

Friday, April 6, 2007

thanksgiving

Malayo pa ang Disyembre at halatang hindi naman ako Amerikano, pero gusto ko lang magpasalamat para sa lahat ng kung anu man:
  • salamat sa mabait na pamilya
  • salamat sa mga tunay na kaibigan
  • salamat sa magandang trabaho
  • salamat sa masakit na derma
  • salamat sa murang tsinelas
  • salamat sa tamang fit na damit
  • salamat sa patapos nang Thesis
  • salamat sa Robot Chicken
  • salamat sa masarap na lumpiang ubod
  • salamat sa malambing na labrador
  • salamat sa swimming kapag gabi
  • salamat sa siopao galing Ongpin
  • salamat sa DSL
  • salamat kay Nerubian Weaver at kay Panda
  • salamat sa mga Penny Brown moments
... at syempre:
  • salamat sa hello panda.
Siguro naman, God, kung nasaan ka man, meron rin siguro diyan internet. Kaya kung mabasa Mo man ito:
  • pasensya na sa kabastusan
  • pasensya na sa pagmumura
  • pasensya na sa pagtulog pag sermon
... at siyempre:
  • pasensya na sa karne kapag Lenten Friday
At sana, nde Ka muna magtampo sakin. Hindi pa tapos thesis ko e. Hehehe...

Happy Holy Week!

Sunday, April 1, 2007

curate's egg

The Bishop says "I'm afraid you've got a bad egg, Mr Jones". Apparently trying to avoid offense the curate replies, "Oh, no, my Lord, I assure you that parts of it are excellent!"

It's been a hectic week of boons and blights, a couple of my new pimples agree. With so many things going on and so many things moving on, I can't help but sympathize with gale-caught leaves. And here, at the end of such a driven week, I don't know what to conclude: I don't feel happy, but I'm not unhappy about it either.

The first puff of air was when I found out the professors have absconded their duties for more worldly pursuits: out-of-town, week-long vacations. A quick trip to school resolved any conflict, but that odd 4-hour commute between panic and instruction was one for the memoirs.

The next draft was the inter-school competition at NEC. Turns-out, my fellow applicants came from UP Diliman. The feeling of inadequacy was bad enough; it didn't help at all that the current employees passing us by kept remarking "Uy, nag-aaply ka pala dito! Ayos dito, tsong!" You guys have until April 4 to pray for my hopeful application.

All the while, a steady breeze blows. I've been helping my mom around the office all week long, moving the occasional box and helping oversee the transportation of office documents. I don't regret helping my mom. Instead, I think of it as my way of paying back the good luck I've been wearing lately, but it SURE is tiring. I've lost 6lbs this week.

The final gust that sent me skyward was my sis' new job: she's found a job in Singapore and is relocating. She just left yesterday on a PAL plane with her luggage and our best wishes. I'm really happy for her -- the practical voice in my head kept whispering great things -- but the bare truth of the matter is I won't be seeing my sister for a long while, 'cept of course for the occasional online instant message. I guess I should hate Yahoo Messenger for somehow eating my sister.

It's been the proverbial curate's egg of a week. It's great and awful at the same time. I guess that's just how it is when change happens in your life: it leaves you tired and bewildered, but with this small comforting thought that you've grown somehow.

Friday, March 30, 2007

se7en

se7en (grabbed from someplace special)

1) Write down 7 things that piss you off (in no certain order).
  • the sound of people chewing with their mouths ajar
  • the long wait for someone to answer their damned cellphone
  • barkadas that walk laterally (effectively blocking and slowing down all commuter traffic)
  • missing the start of the movie
  • assholes who don't do mercy rounds (when you sneek a look at them, they look bored, like wasting your hard-earned cash is no biggie)
  • jeepney drivers that stop for everything
  • the sound of metal on metal
2) Now 7 things that make you happy.
  • cream-puff! hello panda!
  • walking home in the middle of the afternoon
  • completion
  • the empty-tummy feeling (means i didn't overeat)
  • nature stuff: a clear evening sky, falling leaves, bouganvilla in bloom
  • singin'
  • fighting someone who appreciates Panda (coz he's low tier, but still kicks ass)
3) 7 fun things that you wish you could get paid to do for a living.
  • do expeditions, discover new places, go spelunkin'
  • learn, go, be good at surfing
  • learn martial arts or how to use some fancy weapon like a Naginata or that fan Kitana has, or Kurapika's chain thingie
  • be a sword-for-hire, and be good at it too. of course, should include a license to kill.
  • have my own udon shop (and learn how to make good noodles, too)
  • play my sax, sing a song, all day long
  • do reviews (movie, food, event, etc.)

Monday, March 26, 2007

faveIcon.ico and web-vanity

If you've run around the internet long enough, you've probably bookmarked a page or two and noticed that these pages have a special icon beside them once they get into your list of frequented sites. This thought quickly passes though and you move on with you life.

Well, just in case you wanted to know what the hell that icon is and how the hell they put it there, read on.

The icon beside the bookmark (and, if you're using Firefox, the icon beside the URL in your address bar) is usually called 'faveIcon.ico'. If you're interested in getting one of those, use this online icon editor I used which worked fine.

Now, sticking this little icon into your page is as simple as using this special HTML tag:

<LINK REL="SHORTCUT ICON" HREF="/~your_directory/faveicon.ico">

... which you simply stick(for the unversed in HTML, don't forget to change the "/~your_directory/" to wherever you uploaded the icon in the net) inside your page somewhere (although some sites suggest you put it inside the <head> tag). For multiply, they said you put it "in your title" and I assume they meant inside the site title on your multiply home page. I'll test later, since the last step can only be done when I've finished this post.

This last step is for multiply users (or for those who can't find a place to upload that damned .ico file). A problem you'll encounter when working with the 'faveIcon.ico' file is it's extension. Photobucket, friendster, livejournal and multiply don't like the .ico extension (or any other image extension that isn't .png, .gif, or .jpg).

The work around I found was to upload the icon into a multiply post using the 'attachment' option and hence, I'm posting this.

Three cheers to the new icon and web-vanity! Hip Hip Hurrah! Hip Hip Hurrah! Hip Hip Hurrah!

EDIT: Stupid multiply won't let me stick the icon code inside the site title. Currently looking for people who know how to bypass this. I guess some people got away with it when multiply wasn't using the spiffy new "edit site" interface. damn.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

catharsis

It is over.

Words, emotions escape me.

There's just nothing more to say.

But more importantly, there is nothing more to do.

'Cept of course for those damned revisions, but those are problems sitting on the distant shore of tomorrow. An ocean of sleep lies between me and any worry, I'm gonna enjoy swimming that calm sea tonight.

And special mention to my lady luck Melay. Your smile -- which blew me away, by the way (rhyme!) -- marked today's transition from 'yuck!' to 'yey!'.

I knew everythin's gonna be alright, when you shined those pearly whites (rhyme!).

Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm scared I write really long sentences, too (MS Word says so)

I haven't been posting any personal stuff in a while. All because I'm afraid that if I posted about anything, it'd probably be about the same old dreary topic of how long Thesis -- he just celebrated his second year in development, a begrudged capital 'T' is in order -- has latched on to the emancipated shell that is now my life.

Well, emancipated life, sure. The reality's a bit bulkier, though. Empty carcasses of Hello Panda's lie inside the garbage bags outside our house, a fibrous testament to the engorged appetite I've been having lately.

To work off the stress (mr.) Thesis has been dumping into me, I've been working out regularly too. Making sure there's a steady supply of endorphins seeping down my spine to keep that smile stuck on my face. Works wonders for the mood, but I've been forced to wrestle with my weight. The cliche-d "cutting down on rice" routine seems to be even-ing out the field so I'm not too worried.

That aside, today marks the last day of core programming for Thesis. The core modules are complete and the objectives have been addressed. All that's left now is a few cosmetic additions -- a logo and a few 'invalid input' warnings -- and I'll be off to my adviser tomorrow for some counselling and (with luck) a schedule for defense.

Instead, I'm here now, updating (the handful of) people on what's been going on in my life.

I've been blog-hopping -- a gerund and a made up word all-in-one, my old english teachers should be writhing in throes of syntactic suffering right about now -- and I found toshi, vince and boggley. I loved how they composed their phrases, and I can't help but feel shame for my 'kahig ng manok' I call writing. The 4 words I added to my growing list of "really interesting words most people understand but never get to use in actual conversation" are enough proof.

I'd tell them I adored their blog but my head kept screaming "fanboy-ing over someones blog?!? what the heck is wrong with you?!?" and cynically, it's probably just because their quite cute on their avatars.

At least their links are here. If ever I feel the urge to ogle -- read: cyber-stalk --, I'll always have this post as reference.

Anyway, time to slink back into the pincer-like embrace of Thesis. The backlog of pictures and movies I've been meaning to post will be addressed soon. I look forward to it, the day turning on the pc didn't entail exclusive day-long java coding. Sigh.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

The Heroes Personality Teste

Yeah! Fave char! Sucks though what happened to her in the series.

Taken from my just-as-infatuated sis.
Eden McCain
You scored 41 Idealism, 58 Nonconformity, 37 Nerdiness
I think you really want a donut.Congratulations, you're Eden McCain! You've got a colorful past, and your persuasive abilities are second to none. In addition, you're a quick thinker with a solid amount of guts.Your best quality: The art of persuasionYour worst quality: A fondness for some stereotypically "bad" behavior



My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Idealism
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Nonconformity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Nerdiness
Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Saturday, February 24, 2007

now, it's dedicated!

I woke up pretty early today. And yeah, it's a unique enough event to deserve mentioning.

I flipped off the covers prematurely this morning for a 9am exam at NEC Technologies, a Japanese company most Anime fans would be familiar with. The alarm rang at about 7, leaving me an hour to haphazardly put on some clothes and another hour to pick my way through the unfamiliar realm of saturday morning traffic.

A sadistic headache escorted me to the bath. That, stray thoughts about the Bridge to Terabithia, a half-digested platter of buffalo wings & a Twilight Zone DVD were the guilty residues of the fun night before. I grit my teeth, put my pants on and walked out the door with my half-ass resume and a thoughtful box of HP my adorable sis left for me.

The company was in Fort Bonifacio, in a cheerful yellow building there that made me think of lego on steroids. I was early so I sat in an embarrassingly-noisy leather couch and worried. My friend prepped me on what to expect: utter C++ hell disguised as an NEC application exam. I tried to calm myself down, reviewing notes on Bubble sorts and other Com-Sci stuff you learn in college and never really get to use in real life. I ended up worrying some more.

Of course, all the while I looked calm, secretly hoping the 2 people I'm taking the exam with notice my eerily placid face and start worrying themselves. I guess that worked coz they seemed to be holding each others hands. Never mind that they smile too much, that their a guy and a gal or that Valentines was 2 weeks ago.

After 3 hours, some propaganda they call "company introduction" and the application exam, my feet stepped out and casually strolled along the overcast streets of The Fort. My head though was floating around in the clouds musing about working in Japan, acceptable 6-digit salaries and maybe the Nobel prize for inventing the next big thing since tissue paper.

I couldn't help but smile at the shiny future my parents got me for my very first birthday, so then and there I decided to finish my thesis for 'em. What parent wouldn't love such a practical gift?

Panda's consumed: 3
Yan-yan's regretfully consumed: 1
Panda of the day: 8. Archery
Nostalgia of the day: "*p = &x;"

Thursday, February 22, 2007

the greeting biscuits

Nabaliw ako today.

Lumabas ako ng bahay at naglakad nang ka-layo hangang Sucat Rd., habang nasa ilalim ng matinding init ng araw, para lang bumili ng biskwit. Para lang bumili ng Hello Panda.

Syempre, yung thesis ko nasa bahay lang, kunwari gumagawa mag-isa.

Si bili talaga pasimuno nito e. Humirit isang araw na naghahanap ng Hello Panda at naalala ko na lang yung panahon nung gradeschool ako.

Makikita ko yung isang kaklase ko may Hello Panda tapos hihingi ako, tapos ansarap, tapos hihingi ako uli, tapos nde na ko bibigyan. Konti na lang kasi yung Hello Panda. Humingi na din kasi yung iba.

Matagal ko nang nakalimutan yun, pero na-realize ko na lang ngayon na yung craving ko naman for Pocky ay ang nagba-balat-kayong gutom ng Hello Panda.

So ngayong matanda na -- at may laman na ang wallet -- ko, todo indulge! Asahan nyo pag may condo na ko, meron ako stock ng HP at Pocky, chilled.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

would you enroll me?

After checking out pilot applications my dad hinted on (probably to stave off any thoughts of a career in flight stewardship), I obliged my mom's wishes and mossied on to Ateneo College of Law's website and took a look at the law requirements there.

They haven't changed since last I looked before UP LAE, but my nonchalant gaze has. I look at them now calculatingly, and what I see are 9 units I lack and 2 letters of recommendation I have no idea where I'm going to pull out (of my ass?) from.

A link to the left caught me though, a quick click sent me to an online application form which could be unreliable (I'm not exactly sure where to put my 'II') but I filled it up anyway.

After the birth dates and Yes/No questions, the application surprised me with these 3 questions. I tried to answer them as consciously honest as I could:

What are your strong points?
Well, as far as my limited understanding of what it takes to be, at the least, a passing lawyer, all I can offer are:
- an expediently academic mind, willing to learn and hungry for guidance
- and, a devoted heart fiercely loyal to a justified purpose

What are your weak points?
As far as I can relevantly see
- my shabby background on accounting may impair me in negotiation and conveyancing but my experience with math should serve to ameliorate this
- also, I have put myself at a disadvantage against my fellow applicants due to the choice of course I took in college. I may not have the required units, but I will make every effort to comply with any imposition short of missing enrollment this 2007.

If admitted, how much time can you devote to your study of law?
As long as I'm awake.

How do you intend to support your studies?
My parents are willing to sponsor me as best they can through this endeavor

Please state any additional statements to support your application.
I am much aware that the opportunity to study law under Ateneo is scarce. Set against the large population of potentials drawn by its renown, I see clearly that the odds of getting in are slim.

But, I want to try. I want to apply despite that and see if I've got what it takes, maybe more. I may sound foolish and immature in saying this, but I see law as an opportunity to make a mark in the world.

It's a dream I've always had and always wondered about. Perhaps, law is the ticket I've been searching for all along.

So, would you enroll me?

Thursday, February 8, 2007

movie wall!

Salamat, iwi! Nag-aalala ako noon na baka yung mga paborito kong movie e makakalimutan ko na lang bago ako magka-cash para pambili ng maraming DVD.

This is so much more fun (and convenient) than writing down some odd list somewhere, which'll probably get trashed, deleted, burned, eaten by insects or some other fiber crushing, pulp-obliterating event.

Yey for great movies!