wow, its been awhile, nothin' like great weather and bonding with old friends to rekindle that "i wanna do something worth doing" spirit.

although posting personal rants on some site isnt really nobel prize material, i kinda miss this (hopefully) long talks with myself. i probably got the whole college thing to blame for not having any space left in my brain to contemplate life and shit. sad to say, most of where you'd normally find the philosophical stuff in my head has been replaced by the everyday matters of college "to do's".

ah well, thats life, you just cant help but be swept up by all the things thats happening in the present. and not just the things, but also the duties, responsibilities and promises we like to give but usually find so hard to keep.

now thats funny, i use "we" in the previoes statement when actually its probably just me finding it hard to fulfill promises. i guess my priorities are screwed up, now that im on a "live by the day" frame of mind.

i just feel so dead, i keep doing stuff out of need, not want. it drains you, when you get out of bed just for the sake of being able to do something else. i just wanna do something meaningful, and sadly i havent been getting much of that these last few months.

~sigh~, well heres hopin things will start lookin up soon... ... ... i need a vice XD

»» by god, i'm turning things around!

nothin' else makes you feel like doing your best than lookin' forward to gloating(and maybe seeing perfection up close and personal). i really don't know from which preppy hole this feeling came from, for all i know, maybe one of those self-motivating books lying around grew legs and crammed itself up-wise my earlobe.

well, watever the reason, i'm suddenly all up for exams, exercises, excursions, e(x)tc. not that i wasn't so motivated before, i just feel that nowadays i've grown too aloof and "happy-go-lucky" as my friend put it. well, aloof my ass! im goin' out to town for an oppurtunity grabbin' spree!

»» risking it!!

"nah, why risk it?" a friend of mine commented firmly as we discussed love and life along the heavily congested roads leading home. "its too low, the probablity of success, when you actually try to find love. so why bother?" he says, while i stare out the window, trying to remember the stuff that turned me into the generic hopeless romantic.

yeah sure, love-hunting is risky. simply becuase unlike money spent on investments, emotions are the currency exchange for matters of the heart. these emotions are by far more fragile and precious than any other things humans have got to offer. money is easily found, a good ~ehem~ & wealthy friend, a good job, maybe even giving parents, theres a lot more places where ou can get "bread". but what of emotions?

when you invest emotions in something you do, it ceases to be an object, an act, a thought. it becomes a possesion, a will, a care. when invested emotions go wrong, the reimbursement is a pain. but not just any pain easily cured by a few shots or a bonk in the head. damaged emotions when returned is a wound beyond the medicative reach of any conventional medicines, a sort of pang deep inside that you gotta handle yourself.

oh sure. you got understanding friends, loving parents, a very caring significant other. but it wont be enough, they didn't go the extra mile like you did, they didn't throw their care out the window like you did, they didn't get hurt like you did. they didnt get hurt BAD like you did.

maybe this is why first love never dies. when you first love something so deeply and truely, you leave it all behind and just let yourself fall into it. not having felt hurt, betrayal, dissapointment, you innocently plod on and on until you get to the end. good or bad, you gave it your all, because you thought, just like in the movies, you'll get the good ending.

if you did, congrats, if not... it'll never be the same. it'll always be there, the creeping fear up yuor back, the nagging doubt whispering its "if's" and "if not's". your emotions are fragile, and you don't want them getting hrut all over again.

but thats what makes it great! expending your emotions like extra french fries. when you send those emotions out, you get that chance to find that happiness some people call love. however small or miniscule the chance maybe, it's the only way you can fall in love. And if you do and everything finally goes well, well, let's just say i've been informed it's well worth the work.

»» the table turned

How the hell do you handle love? I mean when it's incoming instead of well... outgoing. I'm having a hard time with it really. A hard time probably because of getting used to falling head over heels for someone else faster than I can sanely handle. Always considering how to do the approach and stuff like that. It never really occurred to me how the hell it would feel the other way around.

It's awkward business actually, when someone else falls in love with you. The moment these feelings come to your attention, everything changes. It doesn't feel right anymore, it's as if everything you do from this point onward will have some kind of degree of risk. You now have to dance around someone else's heart, careful not to step on anything too fragile.

But it's great though, in it's own sordid way. There this whole new boost to your self-esteem, when you know someone out theres probably scribbling your name somewhere. Yeah, it's a situation that can definitely be taken advantage of.

So, whats there to be done? To someone who you never thought would come into the picture? Do you hitch along with the ride and see where it takes you? Or reject, since you never really felt anything before, probably never feel anything more. How do you know that when you reject it's not driven by fear? Fear of getting hurt again, forgetting that trouble makes love all the sweeter. When you accept, how do you know you aren't just settling with what you have. Tricking yourself that you don't deserve anymore than what you have, that you don't deserve what you had or ever will.

For me, I'd say, "Go then, with an open mind and an honest heart and hope to God that's enough."