furthering

I've never felt further now than I've ever been far away before. Distance, though, is not the best measure of progress. And no matter how tiring it was, how tiny and insignificant the past has become here at the edge of horizon, how endless the tracks I've made seem in hindsight, I still can't say I have moved up in the world.

Which is entirely my fault. I am the captain of my ship after all.

I guess to sum things up: I feel in myself an unwholesome difference. Sure, I've grown a tad more cunning at what I do, I've become devious navigating the hazardous straits of the urban-everyday, and some morals were sacrificed, renewed, and edified along the way. I've grown truly, it's just I've grown in a manner that feels somehow unsuitable. I'm leading a race I didn't know I wanted to win.

The bulk of the change relies wholly on my newfangled rule: if you want it, nothing else matters. It's not even ground-breaking. It's been said before, in the clever ways of the pedantic and the straight-forward-no-bull manner of the truly wise. But, it really does work. Elbow grease, time, freshly earned cash, all these things consumable when funneled and directed into exactly where you want to be, what you want to be, changes the universe.

But, here's the catch, ladies and gentlemen. Suppose you do exert every and all means to get from point A to that greener point B across the fence, laying in your wake devastation, disappointment, and, dare I say it, denial. For what? What could ever be so important that everything else falls away, so brilliantly mesmerizing we forget everything else that used to matter and, like moths, figuratively burn-out.

Love, I suppose--something old, and something awfully spectacular, and definitely epic. They don't say "fall in love" just because they can. It really is like falling, further and further down the rabbit hole.

I do it willingly though. Bottomless as the abyss may seem, it's really not that scary. I know someone is down there waiting to catch me. I just hope it's soon.