Japanese Separation Anxiety

I haven't done anything Japanese in 3 months. A long time for someone who's worked at a Japanese company for 3 years, geeked-out on Japanese anime in school, and dreamed of living in Japan one day. The new job doesn't have Japanese bosses, Japanese classes, Japanese documents, Japanese emails, nor Japanese firewall warnings(they block a lot of sites there) and the culture is radically different. The freedom is shocking. I kinda knew all this beforehand, and 3 months in, I all but confirmed my predictions. But I never would have predicted I'd change along the way, too.

I thought it was a caffeine thing, so I drank more coffee. Then I thought it was an exercise thing, so I gym-ed a little more. Then I thought it was a work thing, so I put more heart and time into my job.

But whatever I did, I just felt sadder. I still accomplished things, but it all felt like goals outside of myself. I spent a lot of effort, and still I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. I got even more dejected, and then just focused on work instead. Started to feel numb and thought this is what working in Makati is like. The hurrying pedestrians, the constant roar of traffic, the cold, sterile offices. This is business, after all.

But this weekend, I got a Sunday all to myself, and decided to clean out my pc clutter. Sifting through old pictures, installers, and porn, I found I had a copy of Nodame Cantabile. I indulged and watched it.

And BAM! It was a one-two punch: it was Japanese AND it was about music. I remembered how I love watching an anime begin. The anticipation and the excitement is overwhelming as the intro music roars the typical happy Japanese gibberish. As a kid, I jump around, ecstatic. I remembered how wonderful it felt to play in an ensemble. The music envelops you and somehow, among all those instruments playing their own tunes, you find your spot in the melody and play your own, leave an impression, and complement the whole, become a part of a living thing that resides in everyone who listens.

I'm back again, I'd say. 3 months into the new job, I've come full-circle back to the awkwardness of growing, the innocence of budding dreams, and the rush of finding my own way in the world. I said once the new job feels a lot like high school, I didn't know my metaphor was so truly spot-on.