Welcome back to Manila. Back to the frowning masses, back to streets awash with cars. Back to each disappointing sunrise and the endless wait for sunsets. Welcome, friend welcome. Lay your head here awhile, to the side, rest its weight upon your own shoulders and worry about stiffness later. You've left too late and come back to soon to your own life, the one you've been working on for so long. And though it's the only thing you've ever known, the only thing you're good at, you wonder if, out there, there's still some other life you could live.
I've been tempted lately by thoughts of disappearing, but not in the kidnap-gone-awry-then-suddenly-cadavers kind of sense. Instead, wandering off unexpectedly and getting lost to the world seems like a lovely plan. I'm starting to feel like most of the things in my life are things I agree to do but don't feel entirely compelled to pursue. It's like playing the music of my instrument on someone else's beat and cadence.
Mind you, I'm not resentful or frustrated. Things are actually good. Not great. But relative to genocide, sudden unemployment and elections, preferably a-ok. The recurring thought that pokes some mischief into me though is that I feel that if you left me to my own devices, somewhere far away where no one knows me and no one cares, I'd be making completely different decisions. Somewhere out there is a life I could have if I just decide, wholeheartedly and completely to abandon this one.
This has nothing to do with the friends I've known, the family I've grown with and the people I've discovered. There is no individual repellent. It's just that I like playing with odds and, lately, I've been playing it safe too long. It's time to walk out that door, commute towards the opposite direction, and make things interesting.
That's the last thing Jesus did if you remember, the great (though inconsistent) disappearing act that culminated with a certain heaven-bound hovering. I guess for Him, gravity was just a suggestion and, just like me, it may seem absolute now, but hey! He did it anyway, doves and dramatic lighting included. It can be done! We have the technology! I just need some guts.
He kind of died first though. Let's just mark that milestone as "pending".
Wow, I never thought I'd leave to see the day you turn into a cynic. Glad you were honest though.If there's one unsolicited nugget of wisdom I can give you, that'd be: the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.For the unsolicited piece of crap: doesn't matter which grass is greener, it's what you do with it that makes it count. Imagine, grass that can count! Reciting the digits of pi as it sways with the wind! Wow!
ReplyDeleteWell, what could I say? I feel the same way too -- going through the motions of everyday life, and it certainly could become dull at some point. Sometimes, all we need is to step back and take a break from everything. Evaluate the situation or just simply get some R&R to refresh your mind and refuel your burned out drive. When things become tight enough to strangle you, just try to loosen up a bit and not to get caught up til you explode. =)
ReplyDeletegelangenie said: All I know is, somwhere out there, is a better life that I could live if I wasn't bound by duties to friends, family, work, society.
ReplyDelete<jerk mode>I pray none of your friends, relatives, colleagues, posse read that.</jerk mode><shrewd mode>Why can't you CHOSE to be happy where you are right now? Or are you saying you ARE happy where you are right now but that happiness comes from friends, family, work and society; and what you are looking for is the happiness that comes from deciding to be happy, not because you are surrounded by friends, nor because you have a loving family, neither due to the fact you have good work, nor living in a free society? My, my, I never thought you were the type who wanted to get imprisoned in a north korean labor camp?? =]</shrewd mode><friendly>uy quarter life crisis oh! out there is the world, you'll do good no matter where you land or what you choose! any doubts otherwise is just that part of you who yearns to go back.</friendly><explanation>Whilst JSON, or YAML is more efficient, the XML format is easier to read for humans.</explanation>
tidsey said: Evaluate the situation or just simply get some R&R to refresh your mind and refuel your burned out drive.
ReplyDeleteYeah, R&R. 24 hours in my bed should do the trick, and hey! I did it this afternoon and I feel zounds better! Haha!
fapri said: the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.
ReplyDeleteThanks, and it is such a universal truth. My issue is, I feel the envy but have no subject, no focus. All I know is, somwhere out there, is a better life that I could live if I wasn't bound by duties to friends, family, work, society.If I was left all alone in an unfamiliar country, I'd be lonely, but happily lonely because I chose to be.